QUESTION:
I’ve just started seeing a new guy. He did all the chasing, the works. It’s been 3 months and last night he told me he was probably better off single as it is too soon after the end of his previous long-term serious relationship. So why did he ask me out and make me have feelings for him? However he still express that he can’t stop thinking about me and when he’s not with me, he wishes he were. I’m feeling confused and angry at him. Despite this being only 3 months into our relationship, we have a lot in common and I know I’m starting to fall for him. But this worries me. Will I just get hurt if I continue to see him???
Dear Fake Confused,
You know doggone well WHY he did the chasing!! He wanted the draws…DUH. Now that he got them, he doesn’t have to put on any airs anymore. He didn’t MAKE you fall in love with him – you did that on your own. There’s no confusion here – only DENIAL. OF COURSE he’s gonna continue to tell you what you wanna hear cause he wants to make sure his coochie window is still open…and the fact that you’re too dumb to see that is EXACTLY why he doesn’t want you as his woman. You won’t get hurt if you continue to see him, unless you let your emotions stay involved. His feelings aren’t involved, so for him it’s a win-win…free coochie and a willing participant. If you can’t keep your emotions in check around him, it’s best to just move on.
-Afrocentric Barbie
Three-Month Monte,
You ever seen or played three-card monte? There’s a dude behind a box or a table, switchin’ three face-down cards sideways, over, around and through each other until he stops, then you bet where a certain card is. You win if you guess right and lose if you guess wrong.
Well, you guessed wrong…again and again and again and again.
This guy’s three cards were a Heart, a Dick and an Excuse. He saw you as a mark and kept showin’ up and showin’ you that Heart, knowin’ that sooner or later you were gonna play. He showed you the Heart, shuffled the cards around, showed you the Heart again, shuffled the cards and showed you the Heart again. You figured you had a pretty good bead on tracking where that Heart was gonna be.
Then, you did what all marks do…you bet ya Ass! You “knew” where that Heart was, put your Ass up as collateral, but he showed you his Dick. It kinda threw you, cuz you thought you guessed right. He saw that and showed you the Heart again and kept shufflin’ them cards. Again, you bet that Ass and got Dick AGAIN!
That time, you were tryin’ to be cute, cuz you didn’t go with your original guess, so when he showed you where the Heart was, you KNEW you were gonna get it THIS time, right? He showed that Heart, shuffled the cards and stopped, but you already gave all your Ass away, so you decided to bet YOUR Heart…then, BAM! You got an Excuse!!
Now, here you are, goin’ back and forth between gettin’ Dick and an Excuse, when all you want is that damn Heart of his! It ain’t gonna happen darlin’…it just ain’t.
You’re asking “will” you get hurt “if” you continue to see him. I’m sayin’ you’re ALREADY hurt, BECAUSE you decided to see him in the FIRST place and play his little game.
You’ve already bet too much…leave your losses and keep it movin’.
-AmeriCabron
The New Year is approaching. When you think of the New Year, you think of resolutions, new adventures, a new love, new friendships, new accomplishments and cleaning out the old to make room for that fresh new start. 2011 lived up to its expectations more than I could have ever imagined. There were a few down moments which were expected. However, as with every battle you overcome, there are lessons to be learned and blessings to receive. 2012 will be just as successful and challenging. The lessons I’ve learned this year were: 1. Someone has is it worse than you, so be thankful for what you do have – good and bad, cause God has a plan. 2. Be patient and God will deliver the blessing you’ve longed for when you least expect it. 3. New opportunities arise all the time. The door God opens, no man can close, so take that leap of faith, trust in God and walk through that door!!!!
I truly believe that people come into our lives for a reason, whether it’s for a season or a lifetime. Either way, there are lessons to be taught and learned with all parties involved. Know and understand your purpose in life, so when you cross paths with every individual God puts your way, you will be vigilant in being both a teacher and a student. Don’t forget we can always learn something new every day. In closing, I want to thank all of my contributors and guest bloggers on Karma Blog. Without your contributions, there wouldn’t be much to read on here. I also want to thank all my readers. Karma Blog was created just for you guys and the hits I get on my blog are fabulous! I started this blog venture earlier this year among other career moves and I’m glad I did. It’s been insightful, scary and fun. The professionals I’ve worked and crossed paths with this year have been very interesting. With that being said, what doesn’t kill you only makes you stronger and not everyone is in it for themselves. Well everyone stay safe and blessed this New Year’s night and of course keep checking for new posts on my blog….
~Karma the Media Diva~ smooches babe
Karma X-Press Session w/R&B artist MILUV
I was able to nab an interview with upcoming R&B artist Miluv for my end of 2011 post. I LOVE me some R&B all day everyday. So it was fate to interview her. Such a smooth beautiful voice and talented individual. Take a listen below and of coarse at the end of the interview you can hear a snippet of her self titled album Miluv, first single “Let me love you”
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Song Pick for end of 2011: “Wake Up Everybody”: Teddy Pendergrass
Album: The Essential Teddy Pendergrass (Released November 05, 2007)
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Originally recorded by Harold Melvin & the Blue Notes, with Teddy Pendergrass singing lead vocals, the song had a somewhat unconventional structure, starting subdued and building slowly to a climax.[1] The title track from their 1975 album, the song spent two weeks at number one on the Hot Soul Singles chart in early 1976. It also enjoyed success on the pop charts, peaking at number 12 on the Billboard Hot 100 chart.[2]
{MY 2CENTS……I felt this would be the perfect song to end the year off. A very good and close friend of mine says this is his morning song when he gets ready for work. Its funny how this song is from the 70’s but still has a great message for now and years to come! Listen to the words of this song and WAKE UP EVERYBODY! HAPPY NEW YEAR!}
Courtesy of: Wikipedia. 2011. [Updated December 21, 2011]. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Wake_Up_Everybody_%28song%29 [Accessed 29 December, 2011]
Elektra Entertainment Group; Assorted Music, Inc.; Philadelphia International Records ; Sony BMG Music Entertainment; ITunes
QUESTION:
I like both of your answers to the depressed boyfriend question. So my question is what’s a good time frame to get romantically involved with someone after a long term marriage or serious relationship? I was told there isn’t a set time frame because every person is different. I would like to hear you guys take.
Dear Time Frame,
Well, I’ve heard that for however long you’re in a relationship, it takes half that amount of time to get over that person. For example, if you were in a relationship for 3 years, it would take 1 and a half years to get over the person. That’s not necessarily true, though, because sometimes you’re in the relationship physically, but NOT emotionally, so when the break-up happens, you’ve technically already moved on. It really depends on how in love you are with the person at the time of the break up. In my opinion, it’s best to wait at least 6 months to a year before beginning a new relationship. That way, you will have had a little bit of time to sort through your baggage instead of just immediately dumping your baggage off on the next person, and it will be easier to make more of a clean and fresh start in the new relationship.
-Afrocentric Barbie
Possible Prosthetic,
What you were told was right…there ISN’T a set time frame, because every person is different. What you may NOT have been told is what you’re signing up for when involving yourself with an ex-seriously involved person: Phantom Limb Syndrome.
It’s not just something amputees experience; it is just as much a relational phenomenon.
Usually, when we couple or connect with someone, we allow–mostly unconsciously–for that person to represent the part of us we have difficulty identifying with inside ourselves. The more time we spend with this person, the more they “become” that part of us, especially when it comes to serious, long-term relationships. So, when the relationship ends and he or she is gone, we still feel him or her…except NOW, we are left with habits and reactions based on that ONE person. And, when another person occupies that space before we’ve taken internal inventory and properly processed this loss, it’s no secret–or, maybe it IS, since it’s such an unconscious thing–that we tend to act toward this new person as if they were our previous one. [My favorite of these is getting pissed at a new partner and calling him or her the ex’s name!]
When it comes to getting involved with an ex-seriously involved person, you must be intentionally focused toward the Phantom Limb you may be replacing. Not in an interrogate-his-or-her-ass-about-the-ex-situation way, but in the normal way we’re supposed to approach ANY potential romantic partnership: how does this person interact with, respond to and treat ME as a WHOLE NEW individual? Sometimes, we tend to link ourselves to someone just because we like how they make US feel, and ignore that WE may not even be considered in THEIR equation. We may not journey inside them to discover WHY they make us feel this way, where we might figure out that we are “just like” the person they used to be with, so all their habits “work”, or, even better, the exact opposite of their ex, so they don’t have to deal with their past.
On its face, your question seems concerned with the matter of TIME–days, weeks, months, years–and, our usual mechanical approach to coupling. But, going deeper, it’s a matter of INDIVIDUALS–sex, gender, culture, experience, intelligence, personality–and, the organic growth of connection. Assuming you know yourself intimately and truthfully, the more you take time to see AND feel AND know a person, the clearer your choice will be as to whether you should get romantically involved with an ex-seriously involved person.
- AmeriCabron
QUESTION:
My boyfriend was recently treated for depression and I don’t know what to say or do to help him. He has been divorced for about 10 months now and I can’t but think that is the cause of the depression. He says he doesn’t regret the divorce, he loves me and nobody has ever loved him like I do. He is so up and down, its crazy. He has been taking antidepressants for a month. I don’t know if I should break away from him to give him space or give him love so he knows he’s not alone.
Dear Mental Enabler,
If your boyfriend has been TREATED for depression, WHY do you need to help him? He’s CLEARLY already getting the help he needs. You don’t need to worry about him being alone, cause I’m sure he has enough voices in his head to keep him company. Now, if YOU want to leave cause you can’t handle the responsibility of being with a man with a mental condition, then leave. Don’t put your issues off on him, cause the one with the problem here is YOU. Deal with it accordingly.
-Afrocentric Barbie
Cratering,
Very tricky situation you find yourself in…
Assuming his divorce was from a marriage that lasted more like old school marriages than Britney Spears’ or Kim Kardashian’s, 10 months–especially, if you started dating him sooner than now–is way too short of a time to properly grieve a long-term connection and commitment. Even if he doesn’t regret the divorce–much the same way many people may not regret leaving any bad job/relationship/situation–it was an integral part of his life and defined him for a significant period of time…and, that takes time to heal, recover and balance, so he is able to fully engage in that manner of relationship again. Without the proper respect and reflection given to his heart and feelings, any romantic relationship he may enter will be tainted with the murky cloud of his broken marriage, as it seems more of an escape from the discomfort of the healing process, than the relatively clearer choice of you (or, anyone else) as a truly romantic partner.
And, that’s OUTSIDE the matter of a medical diagnosis and prescriptive treatment for depression!
Depression is somewhat of a black hole–robbing not just the person who holds it, but also those around him or her, of so much physical, mental, emotional and relational ability. The social (and, social-IZED) creature in us doesn’t want to “abandon” someone in their time of need; however, we also underestimate, even RESIST, the capacity that giving (or taking) space for this process to run its course can bring. There are complexities and intricacies that you as a romantic partner would HOPE to unravel for him; however, it’s SUCH a personal journey that more times than not, you could be exacerbating his condition.
Give him space… Take a clean look at what’s going on with YOU in the midst of this. Reflect on the true state of your relationship WITH him. Then? Sit with him and tell him what you’ve been experiencing and how you feel. Let him know you love him (if you do) and that he’s not alone (if he’s not). Negotiate terms of interaction, with him being the main one to reach OUT to you; but, make sure you tell him ALL the terms, because your feelings matter, as well, and you should be allowed to reach IN to him regularly.
Please keep in mind, though, a happy ending is not guaranteed! He may not heal in time for you. He may figure out he doesn’t want to be with you. He may discover he wants his ex-wife back. You might discover you don’t want to be with him. So, reflect, give him space and keep caring…
-AmeriCabron
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